I love you. Goodnight boys, Goodnight, Ro. I managed to say. God, you would have loved that game. I am a natural born mother. But it still feels a little like a betrayal to you. I know what I've been doing. I worry about her so much already. We fell asleep pretty early. She has been keeping me on my toes and the determination that I see in her eyes reminds me so much of you. You were a child. I so badly wish you were here. I just feel like a mama who will do whatever it takes to continue fighting on for her child. Not crying. P.S. They didnt judge me. It will be a trip packed with a lot of business, but a lot of fun as well. Thanks as always for your love and support. Is this normal? I wish I could tell you it tasted as amazing as I remembered it with you, but of course it didnt. Alright, Ronan. In a way that I havent been able to do since you died. I will take this Macegiving to count the things that I am thankful for, on one hand. I dont think this is normal. "Rockstar Ronan" ~ This is where I go before I log onto my e-mail in the mornings, before I check my business websites or do anything . Once I got to my car, I knew it would be a while before I was able to leave the parking lot. How can it already be 2 years since you left this earth? was when it was all I could do not to crawl under the table and curl up in a ball. Because if I would have left that meeting today and had to report back to your daddy/board members about the conversation that was had, they would have all told me to get out of my fantasy world and back to reality. Dont get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity, but its still very difficult. Guess what? Bye Bye Little Sad House! In my mind, Ive walked out with your costume at least 50 times. I was rocking her yesterday and your daddy came in to check on us. I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. They are both so excited. Because I do. We Have a NewHome! He was proud of the advice he gave me that I listened to. I know they are not the most compelling words, but today they were the only thing I could muster up in my over active imagination to say. We very much needed a pow wow session. Of course this left me wiped out so I had to come home and take a bloody nap. Oh, that would just be because Ive been crying all day. Why so much today? little man. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. I took Becca and Stacy there today. I wanted to say I dont know how to stop. Just the usual? he asked. They are such good little boys. Sometimes I pretend like I am watching a movie or reading a book of a stranger who is living the life that I am living. I very rarely know happiness of my own. Quinn had 18 points last weekend. I ended up waking up, and having a mini freak out session/panic attack which caused me to slam two Ambien and send some insane text messages to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. He has saved my life and for that, I have you to thank. And I hurt for my friend who had to bury her child who was pretty much an adult. But staying home this week has made me realize that I am beyond wiped out, carrying a real life baby, and almost starting my 3rd trimester. I love you. A Target trip that seemed so overwhelming to me that I had to sit in the parking lot and sob for a good 20 minutes before I could even get into the store to buy the one item I needed. I then went on Google to do some research on if cats and raccoons are friends. Our sad little house where I often work from our dining room table, our kitchen table, and even my bed. When Im not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. I sat quietly in your room for a while. How do I even put into words, who he is? Its almost as if you are still around so much that you know when I am struggling, and you send someone into help me out or give me a big fucking sign that everything will work out. Ill see you in 20 minutes. I think she was sobbing on the phone while she tried to talk to me about the decision I made to go out there and if I had actually thought it through. I think you would have loved that name. Im sick. I would have loved every second of cleaning you off. I love you. I spent the rest of the day, resting and trying not to be resentful for it. I am awake now. I was on a mission to grab some things for our very empty refrigerator. I had visions of organizing a protest outside the White House. Tears of both happiness and sadness. Do not let anything take him away. I couldnt take it. I am further along than that, but not much. Who am I kidding. He made me promise that I would rest and put my feet up. Only one other living thing survived and that was the poppy, flowering each year with the coming of the warm weather. Our girl name was picked out even before Liam and Quinn were born. He simply responded with an, I miss him. I read his words Ronan and FUCK. I dont want to talk to much about it because I dont want to jinx myself. 0 faves. I have had to regroup from that blow and go back to square one. Every year since you left when Mr. Sparkly Eyes' birthday rolls around, I always give him a card that I've made for him through my iPhoto with a picture of you on it. A heavy wave of sadness washed over me. Im sitting in the parking lot. The rest of my day, played out in a way that I dont think I can take much more. Through my sadness, grief, pain. This is my purpose. To cry. There is not a part of me that is doing any of this for myself because I dont live for myself anymore.This life I live now is not about me anymore. I talked with her a bit about how I really didnt want to get it. Goodnight, Liam, Goodnight, Ronan. Quinn said. Ronan. What in the hell is that all about? I had the flu. Every day is hard without you, but this time of the year there seems to be a shift about me that I cannot control. Holla! Of course I said, HECK YES! Because I dont like to say no to anything anymore especially if it can help with more awareness. For you, Ro and Mr. Sparkly Eyes tonight. Miss you. - ROCKSTAR RONAN She told me had you had this at birth, it would have been so microscopic that nothing would have shown up. I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and life seems to running at an outrageous speed. Everything I do is for you. Then the next letter, from a mom, whos husband is working 3 jobs, they have nothing, but she cleaned out her change drawer. You being sick, unable to do things, just does not go hand in hand. the chucking continues. I know you will. Ihave been doingnothing but spending my days with her, being quiet and still. I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and life seems to running at an outrageous speed. I am dreaming of a womans Lacrosse team as we speak. I love you, Ro. We had a little foundation business to attend to. He is doing such a good job, of watching over me for you. But if I would have said something, it would have been something like this: Im not a doctor. My list came in my mind later as I named off a few things, but really just thanked him for being such a dear friend. I need to find a hobby during my witching hours. I let the tears come, too. Im pacing the house now. This staying in bed and waiting to die, because Im pregnant and tired, is bullshit. I got a text from your Sparkly. I talked to Macy about my trip out to San Francisco for Teddys celebration of life. I may have had a mini freak out last night in our hotel room. Even a 45 minute car ride. My days are so consumed with trying to be the best mama to your brothers and sister. There is no way I can even fathom the thought of taking down your things and packing them away. I hid my tears from everyone, as not to upset your brothers. No matter how frustrated or sad I get because I know at the end of the day, youre not coming back. A dozen times. That is about the best I can do. THANK YOU. I was mesmerized by her. She sent me a picture of it today. They so want to help with our mission and were so touched by our story that they created this show called Emotional Mojo. I'm landing close to midnight. I didnt want everyone in that room to see the data that was being presented in front of their faces in a scientific form. I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. I think I told you that I tried to prep, with Dr. JoRo about this whole getting pregnant thing. Ronan will be a part of both of their names, regardless of the sex of the baby. Fuck. I think in the back of my mind a small part of me thought that I am selfishly doing everything I am doing in this world, for myself. Thanks, J- for the break, amazing lunch and your dazzling smile. THANK YOU. If I wasnt sold on the name Poppy, I sure am now. I look forward to hearing her speak tomorrow. Now I feel like I am in prison. I think you would have liked the name. I am not doing anything else. She knows that you are the force behind everything that comes my way. I would give anything to be with you, through. Your daddy went out last night. I am sick and tired of this blinding sun. This is all for now. I could tell your Nana was a bit sad about this but I just said, Mom, I dont know how or what I am going to be feeling and I just want to be able to be, without having the pressure of having to fake like I am feeling one way, if I am not. She just gave me a squeeze and told me, Of course, honey. I love you, Ronan. Certainly not this nowhere that is here now. I dont know if I could handle this without Macy by my side. Oh, how you loved that thing. But I miss the days when life was always beautiful, always joyful, always full of such love and laughter. Getting out of Phoenix was the right thing to do. If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. Nothing. Fernanda came by the clinic and dropped me off a coffee (which I proceeded to knock over and spill) She called that, good luck. Nothing is worth this pain. But you are doing such amazing things and even if you cant see it now, you are changing the world because of him and because of your pain. I sat, listened, and fought back my tears the entire time that I was with him. Please keep watching over Ben with the Bald Head for me. He is quite simply probably one of the few reasons that I am still alive. with that. AKA-the Devil. I trust in you. I miss you. I dont function well in a bullshit and pretending world. Soon, my head was filled with thoughts that I couldnt control. I have a bunch of families that I will be thinking of, not just our own. I cannot process this. This is one of the things that I love most about him. #cryingallday. Mr. Sparkly Eyes: Why do you sound like that? I would have put on your sweet little pajamas and tucked you into bed with me, where you belong. I love you. I beg over and over in my head. Even if we name her something else, she will be called Poppy as a nickname. on Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereavedparents. God Bless your beautiful family! They are a part of my soul now. I can do this. I had a flashback to the days of when I used to ohhhh and awwww over baby girl clothes. Pediatic Cancer is about to get FUCKED! I ended up walking a bit too but I was fine with that. Ill just stick with pie for now. I cannot imagine what that must feel like for you. They are like the air I breathe and I inhale them as much as I can. The thought of this made me laugh due to Dr. Jo. A huge thank you to Mayor Stanton of Phoenix, Arizona for signing our proclamation to declare September as Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. As I was walking off your Mr. Sparkly Eyes said, Hey, please just give me a smile. Again, but not always. We talked about a lot of stuff. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. So we talked a lot about your foundation and a few other top-secret things I have in the works. Aye! I am about to have this baby girl and also your 2 years since you died is right around the corner. I no longer love the luxury of not having things to do. Oh, theres perfect infant Ronan. As we were sitting there waiting, Mandy goes, You know you can find out the sex of the baby here, right? I told her I wasnt aware of that as I thought I had to wait until I saw my OBGYN in a couple more weeks. I know you know how much we all need her. Throw up. We dont have many plans for the weekend. I had my iTunes on. The most important thing of course that has been consuming me. I'm scattered today; nervous about meeting with the doctor in San Francisco. You are alone. I am floored. We didnt ask for much, Mr. President. I told you that. I forget to write about 23 months without you. Its a baby girl. I watched his eyes light up in a way that his often do, when he is truly happy. I hope you are safe. But I appreciated Fernanda saying that. Basketball, Baseball, and Flag Football. I promise to make you proud. I was hoping she wasnt thinking, Who is this crazed stalker with purple hair?? Its late now. that my New York Miss Macy made me. I saw my OBGYN as well. And in the cancer world, with this organization, that is absolutely the case. We sat and caught up. Sorry if that was TMI, but if youve ever carried a baby, you know what I am talking about. Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. 1 comment. I miss you so much. This baby girl, is going to have so many beautiful aunties. I would give anything to have you here to cuddle up to because I cant sleep. I love you. That will never go away. Im really sick and alone and nobody wants to take care of me., Mr. Sparkly Eyes: You are not alone. Your brothers want to play as well. I love you. This one has been in the works for a while but it is nothing I have been pursuing seriously. They just let me be, trusting in me to come around when I needed to come around. Mascara and snot everywhere. Your daddy knows Ive been having the worst time sleeping. I know what part of our connection is. I will see you tomorrow.. I was out cold. My skin was crawling, my head was screaming, and I was tossing and turning. I knew that planning this trip. Fucking cancer. I need an intervention. I felt myself slipping into a deep depression that I hadnt felt in a while. You know in my obsessive exercising eating nothing world before I was pregnant, I would have never touched a pie. Thank you to all of my rad hometown babes who worked so hard to get this all done. This is why they are still in my life. I dont know whats going on. I think the name is darling and it truly makes me smile. (but dont tell Poppy. I think deep down, I knew it too, but the confirmation was nice today. I didnt survive this. I also got to see a good friend of mine, Kristi, and it is always fun to spend some time with her. We also know some changes are going to have to come, in order to start raising the serious about of money, that we want to raise. Marisa. Yes, it is wrong. He always knows that. As far as an update goes, things here for the most part have been normal. Ive am living in a war zone every single day. But because I know what happens when I listen to that song. I would rather not put something into my body if I dont have to. ? I said I was o.k. I dont need to believe in a fucking GOD for this to happen so people need to stop saying that. Because I know you would want it to be this way. Gnight baby doll. I am doing the only thing I know how which is leaving this all in the hands of you. Taylor Swift - ROCKSTAR RONAN For that, they will forever be my sisters. Sweet dreams. This extreme fatigue and nausea, are mentally beating me down. Fo shizzle. Your brothers happiness is proof of that. Im too sick to laugh. But all the gratitude and good things will keep me going I promise you that. That oh so fun place only moms get to go that have had a child who has died. I will never be o.k. I need your help. My own mother whom I love to the moon and back. I am not perfect. She told me she would keep a close eye on me, strip my membranes again, like she did with you if I wanted Poppy to come out a little early. My eyes started to tear up and I just said, Because I dont know where my child is. That is how I feel. You see, I am not only doing this to make some money for your foundation, but I am also doing this to help us get through May. As long as you are the reason I am going, to keep things moving forward with your foundation, your memory, and your spirit I know great things will come from this trip. P.S. Dude. I felt myself panic. I will never understand why all of these kids are swept under the rug. I know we can change this. Everything in our lives has changed. Quinn was over the moon. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard it was all I could do to make it to my car before my tears formed puddles at my feet and I just slowly drowned. Everything is different. I was having a really, really sad day but didnt want to let him in on that. Its about helping other people as much as I can and in anyway that I can in this totally fucked up world where I cannot even see Christmas lights properly because they are always so blurry from my falling tears. I died when you died. Nobody was there. We talk about you a lot. I came home and started whipping up the pies that I had promised your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Tomorrow, I will bake with Macy. It destroys me everyday that we now have to physically be apart and I cant take care of you, look after you, or keep you safe. Starr was a mainstay for numerous wrestling territories throughout the 1970s and 80s, capturing almost three dozen championships throughout his career [4] including two reigns as NWA World Junior . It was all I could do to stay in the restaurant and not flip the fuck out. Especially not in this day and age when kids die from cancer, due to lack of funding alone. I did not want to use our money, to rent an office space so I did the best with what we had, which was our house or one of the 5 Starbucks that I troll on a regular basis.That Starbucks music was about to make me slit my wrists. Your picture is enough. Ronan. Do I need to get on a plane to come home? Consider it done. he said. Ronan. Everything seems heightened to the max. I finished the lake and my knee actually felt o.k. I day dream of leaving this fucking life behind because sometimes my sadness is just too heavy and too much. Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it lookbadass. You know this is all Ronan. I am such a true believer in this, especially in the world I live in now. The only ones I feel comfortable taking. It doesnt work. I dont remember it being this way with you and your brothers, but your daddy says he does. Which is why I may have such a big problem with being out in the real world now. She loves it and usually just falls asleep the entire time. I read your blog every day and as a father your strength and love is simply amazing!! By taking a little time out to go to New York. What perfect timing. I know Poppy is going to help us find our way a little more, too. Gnite. I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. I got asked to lead a 5k run that some girls I know wanted to throw together at our Lake Sacajawea. I am not taking your day and turning it into something fucking pretty, happy, light, and filled with angels from above. Remember how I said that nothing will ever be the same again? If that wasnt enough to make me cry, the next thing was.

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